Meta-Mirror According to Robert Dilts – Version 2

The Meta-Mirror is about clarifying and positively transforming problematic inner and outer relationships. The term "Meta-Mirror" comes from the idea that a person’s behavior in difficult communication with another person is merely a reflection of their own internal communication.

Application

The Meta-Mirror is an excellent format for self-reflection and for improving both internal dialogue and external interactions. It is also well-suited for resolving issues with people who are not physically present.

In the Meta-Mirror, you take a step back and realize that the problems you experience with others are, in fact, a mirror of your own internal patterns. It’s not the other person who is the source or the solution of the problem. With this insight, you can reorder your internal system—which often leads to shifts in the external system and your relationship with others.

Even if the other person doesn’t change, you gain a new perspective and stop criticizing or blaming yourself—becoming more congruent and in integrity.

Detailed Steps

Identify the Problem Person

Think of a person with whom you feel you are experiencing difficulties.

Name the Other Person’s Behavior (from First Position)

Imagine that this person is standing right in front of you. From your own perspective, what is it about their behavior or personality that makes communication difficult? (e.g., insensitive, moody, controlling…)

Name Your Own Behavior (from the Meta Position)

Observe your own behavior in relation to this person. What do you notice about how you act toward them? (e.g., judgmental, dismissive, afraid, angry…)

Consider the Systemic Dependency (from the Meta Position)

Notice how your behavior and the other person’s behavior influence one another. Would their behavior remain the same if you weren’t part of the interaction? Is your presence triggering or amplifying their behavior?

Consider New Behavioral Options (from the Meta Position)

Reflect on different ways you could respond to this person. What is your reason for reacting the way you do? What other possible responses can you imagine?

Describe How You Treat Yourself (from Fourth Meta Position)

Now step aside and observe how you treat yourself in this interaction. (e.g., indifferent, pressuring, aggressive…) Also, consider which logical levels (behavior, capability, beliefs, identity) these reactions are operating on.

Examine how your reaction to yourself may mirror the way the other person behaves toward you.

Swap Inner and Outer (from the Fourth Meta Position)

Now exchange your inner reaction toward yourself with the reaction you had toward the other person. Begin treating yourself the way you treated them—and vice versa. Notice how this shift changes the system and the meaning of your reactions.

Change Perspective (from the Second Position)

See yourself through the eyes of the other person. How does your behavior appear from their point of view? What do you, from their perspective, need or want from yourself?

Re-associate (into the Modified First Position)

Re-associate back into yourself—now with the insights and behavioral patterns gained from earlier positions. Notice how your reactions and perspective have shifted.

Continue Shifting Perspectives

Keep switching perspectives and adding new response options (at the appropriate logical level) until you feel that the relationship has become more balanced.

Future Pace

When you're ready, think about a potential future conflict with this person. Imagine how you now see and experience them differently.