Meta-Mirror

The Meta-Mirror technique was developed by Robert Dilts. It allows you to view your interpersonal relationships from a higher perspective, helping you to recognize issues and discover solutions. People often react to others in the same way they themselves would need. The Meta-Mirror technique makes use of this effect.

Typically, Meta-Mirror involves a physical shift in positions within the room, but it can also be done while seated. However, the dynamic, physical version is recommended.

Step 1

First Position:

Choose a relationship you'd like to explore more deeply. Observe it from your own, associated perspective. Ask yourself:

• What’s difficult about this relationship?
• How do I feel in this relationship?
• What am I thinking?
• Do I feel misunderstood or questioned?
• Does my body language match what the other person says about me?

Now go through the Neurological Levels. Ask:

• Does my environment (workplace, clothing, friends) influence this relationship?
• How does my behavior relate to the problem?
• Do I feel that my skills and abilities are not valued?
• Is there a conflict with my beliefs and values?
• Is this person attacking me on an identity level?

Step 2

Second Position:

Leave your own viewpoint and step into the perspective of the other person. Imagine how they look, how they speak, what they do. Once you fully associate with them, ask:

• What do I (as this person) think and feel?
• How do I respond to the other person?
• What am I thinking at each of the neurological levels?

Step 3

Separator:

Leave the second position after answering the questions, and return fully to yourself in the present moment.

Step 4

Third Position:

Step into a third position—that of a neutral observer. Ask yourself:

• What kind of relationship do I see between these two people?
• What feelings are they showing toward themselves and each other?

Step 5

Separator:

Leave the third position after answering the questions and return fully to yourself in the here and now.

Step 6

Fourth Position:

Enter the meta-position. This is a place where you reflect on the emotions in the process. Decide how the first and third positions relate to each other. Ask:

• Was I, in the third position, angry at the person in the first position?
• What burdens do person 1 and person 3 carry?
• What is person 1 really hoping for?

Clarify what kind of relationship person 1 and 3 have with each other.

Step 7

Leave the Fourth Position:

After answering the questions, leave the fourth position and return fully to yourself in the present moment.

Step 8

Swap:

Now exchange the emotional experiences of person 1 and person 3. Step into each position to do this. Ask:

• How do I feel?
• Do I notice a change?
• Is what I feel now a resource?

Step 9

Switch to Position 2:

Move into the second position and ask: “Has the relationship with person 1 changed?” At the end of the process, always return to the present.