Re-Anchoring Couples

The Format

This technique can also be used to resolve calibrated loops.

Standard Steps:

1. Problem
2. Calibrate + Anchor
3. Resources + Anchor
4. Test with Resource Anchor
5. Test Without Anchor

Detailed Description:

1. Problem

Identify a couple’s conflict and the calibrated loop (problem physiologies). The coach observes the couple’s interaction until a non-content-related signal from A1 (facial expression, gesture, tone) triggers a problematic physiology in A2, which in turn produces a similar reaction in A1.

2. Calibrate + Anchor

The coach points out A2’s problematic response and questions them about it: “When your partner said that, you showed this physical reaction. Do you recognize that from other times? Does it happen often? Would you like to change it?”

3. Resources + Anchor

The coach seeks resources with A2 for that situation and anchors them. “Which of your abilities as a mature person would you most like available in that situation? Have you ever used them in this relationship? Have you used them in other relationships? Do you know someone who is adept at using such abilities?”

4. Test with Resource Anchor

A1 repeats what they said earlier while the anchor is pressed for A2. A1 and the coach observe A2’s reaction.

5. Test Without Anchor

A1 repeats the statement again, without pressing A2’s anchor. They observe A2’s reaction. If it’s still problematic, loop back to step 2 or 3 to gather or reinforce resources. If positive change occurs, you’re done; you can swap roles or repeat as needed.

Summary

Format suitable for:

Resolving calibrated loops between couples or co-workers—when one person reacts physically to the other’s non-content cue (tone, gesture, expression), causing a mutual escalation.

Format in contrast to:

Re-Anchoring: addresses a one-sided response by a single person to a stimulus from another.
Reframing Couples: addresses misunderstandings regarding the trigger signal, aiming to correct the sender’s intended message and help the receiver comprehend it, and vice versa.

Format Pitfalls:

• If those involved can’t find suitable resources on their own, the coach can help: “If you could choose from any ability in the world, which would work best?” or “Who else might have this ability?”

Format Notes: Calibrated loops typically emerge in long-standing relationships.