Reframing Couples

This technique can be used to resolve calibrated loops.

Standard Steps:

1. Problem
2. Message Understood
3. Intended Message
4. Agreement
5. Correction
6. Test

Detailed Description:

1. Problem

Identify the couple’s conflict and the calibrated loop. Person A1 recalls a stimulus (e.g. raised eyebrow, tone of voice, or statement) that triggers an unwanted reaction.

2. Message Understood

Anchor the reaction and ask about the received message/meaning. A1’s reaction to the stimulus is anchored, then asked: “How did you interpret that tone, statement, etc.? What do you think it meant or was intended to convey?”

3. Intended Message

Clarify the intended message. Ask A2 whether they actually meant what A1 understood. If “No,” ask what message they did intend, or what meaning that signal has for them. If “Yes,” use the “Small School of Wishing” format.

4. Agreement

Establish willingness to clear up the misunderstanding. The coach ensures A1 is willing to receive the intended message while A2 agrees to convey the intended message. “A1, are you willing to accept what A2 meant to say? A2, are you willing to communicate your actual intention?”

5. Correction

Align the received message with the intended message. By asking both partners when the intended message was ever unambiguously conveyed and how that was done, they can identify successful modes of communication. “Was there ever a time you conveyed your intended message so it was understood correctly? What was different about that situation?”

6. Test

Evaluate the outcome. “How do you feel now that the misunderstanding is cleared up and you’ve found ways to communicate more clearly?”

Summary

Format suitable for: resolving calibrated loops.

Format in contrast to: “Re-Anchoring Couples,” where each person activates their resources to respond neutrally to the trigger from the other.

Format notes: Typically, calibrated loops develop in longer-standing relationships.