This format is used to help resolve unhealthy grief. Developed by Connirae and Steve Andreas, it supports people in dealing with loss in a way that retains the essence of the relationship with the lost person yet allows life to move on without lingering sadness. Resolving Grief can also be used for losses such as a job, a pet, or any other significant absence. Moreover, it can prepare someone for an impending loss—such as a death, separation, or divorce.

Applications

This format is primarily designed for grief work. It can also help with:

• overcoming the loss of a friend, pet, or job
• a childhood you feel you never had
• a positive relationship with a parent you never had but still long for

Besides addressing past losses, it can help prepare for potential future losses.

Standard Steps

• Topic and Calibration
• Resourceful Representation of a Solution
• Ecology Check
• Mapping Across
• Values of Good Memories
• Values Image
• Future Image
• Test
• Future Pace

Detailed Description:

1. Topic and Calibration

• Identify the topic
• Calibrate the representation of grief
• “Think briefly of the person you lost and still mourn. How do you think of this person?”
• Use a scale question.

2. Resourceful Representation of a Solution

Work out the submodalities of a resourceful solution representation. “Think of a person who’s no longer in your life but whom you remember with fondness and joy. How do you think of that person?”

3. Ecology Check

The coachee must genuinely wish to move past the grief; otherwise, it’s better to stop here.

• “Is it alright for you to remember the lost loved one in the same way you remember the person you fondly recall?”
• If “yes,” elicit the submodalities. If “no,” address the objection or end the format.

4. Mapping Across

Mapping across: Transfer the submodalities of the successful resolution representation to the grief representation.

• “Think again of the person you’re grieving.”
• Elicit submodalities
• Transfer the solution representation submodalities onto the grief representation.
• Repeat the scale question to measure change.

5. Values for Good Memories

“Now focus on the good times you had with the person you’re grieving. Focus exclusively on positive memories. Identify what you value about being together with them in these good experiences. Which values did they fulfill for you?”

6. Values Image

Create a values image: Which values were lived with the “lost one”? Create an image that represents these values—without the lost person in it!

• “As you think of these values, which image appears that symbolizes them for you? It might be symbolic or abstract, but it will definitely contain and keep the essence of the special, happy experiences with the person you lost.”
• Multiply the image like a deck of cards and “scatter” them into the future.

7. Future Image

Now take that values image into the future. Picture meeting someone else with whom you can live out these values. You may not yet know who they are, so the image might be somewhat hazy, but it will represent the same values found in the previous image. Multiply it: “Imagine that you have a stack of these images. As you multiply them, each card might vary slightly. Now scatter them across your future. Some are nearer, some further. Once you’ve spread them out, you can see that they each reflect what’s essential.”

8. Test

“What do you think now about your future and about the person you were mourning?” Repeat the scale question to compare how it feels now.

9. Future Pace