10‑ Confidently Making Contacts

»Fear defeats more people than anything else in the world«

Ralph Waldo Emerson

No matter what goal you pursue, you will always find someone who can help you reach that goal faster. Your ability to build relationships with other people is crucial to your success. In this chapter you will have the opportunity to work on your self‑confidence and further develop your social skills in dealing with other people. After carrying out the suggested exercises you will be able to establish more—and deeper—contacts with others. One of the decisive steps is building your own self‑confidence. Only if you manage to shed your shyness and instead enjoy communicating confidently with others will you be able to handle rejection with ease and dramatically expand your possibilities.

Take a moment now to think about what advantages being outgoing could bring you. What opportunities would open up?

The outgoing person repeatedly seeks the company of others. He approaches them whenever he feels like it and knows how to make a conversation interesting. He does not take a “No” when meeting someone as criticism of his person but as a result of unfavourable circumstances—the wrong place, the wrong time, or his currently unsuitable behaviour. The outgoing person approaches others and flirts for the sheer fun of it, not to achieve specific goals. In this way he meets many new people who can, quite by chance, make his life easier. One is a car mechanic who is happy to take a quick look at the outgoing person’s car as a favour; another is a librarian who can give precise information about literature on voice training. Even if he has to go to a party alone because a friend cancelled at short notice, the outgoing person is certain the evening will be something special—after all, he will get to know many people with different opinions and life stories. Perhaps, during one of his countless little flirts, he will meet his great love and, on the same evening, get to know someone who works in a travel agency that currently offers particularly inexpensive honeymoon trips. The world is full of surprises and good opportunities for the outgoing person. The shy person, on the other hand, finds it difficult even to accept a compliment. If he is rejected by someone, he takes it very personally and retreats into his shell for hours. He meets only a few new people, waits to be approached, and is very disappointed by most parties—so he tries to avoid them. If he does engage in a conversation, it regularly ends in mutually embarrassing silence. Most good opportunities in life pass him by unused. He ponders for hours about what a good conversation opener might look like and fears others will laugh at him during his “performance.”

What is the difference between these two extreme types? Social‑psychology professor P. G. Zimbardo has dealt with shyness for a very long time. In one of his books he writes that low self‑esteem and shyness go hand in hand. A person who is very shy has low self‑esteem, whereas a person with high self‑esteem is no longer shy.

This self‑esteem is nothing more than an assessment of your own value compared with other people. How do you rate your outgoingness? Give yourself a value from 1 to 100 on a scale where 1 is a hermit who needs no contacts at all and 100 is an entertainer who travels the world, has contacts everywhere and constantly needs new ones.

The decisive factors for changing your contact behaviour are above all two: your attitude and your social competence. You can improve both with this training programme.

In this chapter’s training programme we will first deal with attitude and only then talk about aspects of social competence. Under social competence I have summarised a number of conversation techniques such as questioning techniques, body language, active listening, starting a contact and a “good farewell.”

Your attitude results from your convictions and beliefs. We recognised this earlier. Now you have the opportunity to transfer what you have already learned to social behaviour.

What have been your previous beliefs about social interaction?

Excuses of shy people

Here are some excuses often heard when shy people are asked why they don’t simply approach a stranger and try to get to know him or her:

»I don’t know what to say.« »It’s embarrassing to just address someone like that.« »I simply lack…« »If I were rejected, it would be awful.« »I’m not interesting enough!« »Only the beautiful ones appeal to others.« »I’m not rich enough.« »All people reject me.«

You are unique!

Compared with Marilyn Monroe or Richard Gere you will almost always come up short in terms of beauty. Compared with Bill Gates you are truly a poor devil. You don’t have to speak in verse when you want to meet someone. Whatever it is, something will always be missing—today, tomorrow, in ten years—even if you could think like Albert Einstein, have muscles like Arnold Schwarzenegger and run as fast as Carl Lewis.

Why do you get involved in this unequal game of comparison? You are completely unique. You have a unique vision and are willing to fight for it. You have something to say to other people and can be enthusiastic about your goals. So what prevents you from communicating with others? What prevents you from setting the course of your self‑confidence in your mind to very high? Whether you have self‑confidence or not is only a matter of your decision. Why not simply decide from today on to consider yourself unique, capable, valuable and loveable? After all, you only have this one life. You determine your future and your life.

Perhaps you have already noticed that these beliefs are completely irrational, yet that does not stop them from inhibiting and blocking you. Therefore you should break their armour and replace them with better ones.

Now formulate the corresponding beliefs of an outgoing person!

Examples of beliefs of an outgoing person:

I am lovable. I have interesting things to offer. Others are interesting and have something to give me. It is worth taking a risk and addressing others. No risk—no fun.

Complete the following sentences:

»I am unique because ...«

»Yes, I am capable of realising my dream because ...«

»I am a valuable person because … «

»I am lovable because …«

If you feel that your self‑esteem is still not what it should be and you had difficulty completing the sentences, then look more closely inside yourself to see why. Be very precise in your justification and think exactly why your standards are as they are. Ask yourself:

Why exactly do I not feel unique?

What exactly prevents me from being unique?

Why exactly do I not see myself as valuable?

What exactly prevents me from being valuable?

Why exactly do I not see myself as lovable?

What exactly prevents me from being lovable?

Programme for Strengthening Self‑Esteem

If you want others to treat you decently, you must first treat yourself that way. Honestly, what do you think of a person who constantly talks badly about himself and treats himself as if he were worthless? You will find it hard to show that person respect!

1. Never speak badly of yourself—neither when you are alone nor in the presence of others.

Do not call yourself “idiot” or “fool” and do not attribute negative characteristics to yourself. That does not mean you must not criticise yourself, but do not use generalisations. Criticise only specific situations or activities. Instead of saying you are a “failure,” describe the exact situation in which you believe you failed, e.g. “I didn’t manage to build rapport in the first ten minutes of last night’s negotiation with Mr Meyer because I emphasised my goals too much.” With such a description you need not feel attacked as a person. It is your activities that can be evaluated and improved, not your person as such.

2. Separate yourself from people, tasks and situations that give you a feeling of inadequacy.

There are so many people, tasks and situations that you can afford to look for those that support you in building a positive self‑image. Life is simply too short to deal for long with depressing, self‑destructive things.

“Ruthlessly throw out of your apartment anyone who, after the third warning, still wants to bring you down to earth.”

Peter Kummer

3. Give yourself praise and recognition.

Set yourself both small and large goals, check your achievement and reward yourself even for small steps. Then gradually increase the difficulty of your tasks. Go one small step further every day. Enjoy the feeling of having accomplished something.

4. Use autosuggestion.

»I rejoice in my uniqueness, my life. I am developing into a self‑confident and resilient personality. I am the current peak of the long evolution of our species, the dream of my parents and all my ancestors. They support me in everything I do. That allows me to actively take the leading role in my life. I gladly take this responsibility and will ensure that I become happy and successful. I am lovable and can easily approach others. I give every stranger the chance to get to know me.«

5. Develop an inner voice that speaks positively to you.

Most people have a “little man in the ear” who constantly criticises them. They hear this voice and let it demotivate them. Yet it is your right to make mistakes. As long as you are human, you will always make mistakes. Strive to always do your best, and then you should not waste a minute thinking about your mistakes. If this critical voice says, “The other person will surely reject you/me,” do not be impressed and seek contact anyway. Positive and helpful self‑talk can support you in building more contacts. It can strengthen your attitude and help you overcome the last hurdle when addressing someone in a critical situation. What can you do when the negative voice appears again? Then ask: “What is the worst that could happen if I do it anyway? And how could I deal with it?” If you see that you are not in mortal danger, then you can dare to go ahead. What can you gain if you have the courage to take the first step? Hear how your inner voice praises you and tells you about situations you have already successfully mastered. Condense each of these positive experiences into a keyword that instantly reminds you of that situation. Also try different voices. Should it be the voice of your parents, that of a good friend or a neutral person? Is it a female or a male voice? Does it sound sexy or strict? Which voice has the best effect on you?

6. Also get an outside view of your strengths and weaknesses!

Once swap ideas with your partner or another trusted person about what you find good in him or her, and what he or she finds good in you. Where does the other person see your strengths? Or make the comparison using the following list: first rate yourself on the list and then hand the list to a few friends and compare the results. Once you are a contact pro you can even give the list to a complete stranger with the request to evaluate you quite informally.

	1	2	3	4	5
cold						warm
individualistic						team‑oriented
adventurous						security‑minded
deliberate						spontaneous
sexy						plain
generous						stingy
open						reserved
confident						insecure
passive						active
quiet						talkative
uncomplicated						problematic
direct						indirect
decisive						indecisive
emotional						rational

7. List all the reasons why someone should get to know you:

8. In the chapter on anchors and states you already chose a situation in which you were very self‑confident. Recall that situation once more now and test your anchor.

Although our goal is for you to be able to approach others spontaneously and make new contacts, it cannot hurt if you at least prepare for your first missions in the field and learn some basics about the topic of contact. Even if you want to go on a spontaneous little bike tour, you should at least be able to ride a bike, otherwise the tour will not be fun. Wouldn’t you at least want to learn the simplest movements and traffic rules? In the same way, you should also approach the topic of “contacts” and learn at least a few simple principles. You can always break them later if you think it appropriate. I do not intend to sell you the “golden tips for successful networking.” Rather, I want to offer help that is meant to support you in finding your own style. Until then, however, these hints can be very useful and produce one or another interesting contact. So do your homework thoroughly—it will pay off! Later you can then shape contact situations entirely individually. Practice makes perfect!

Clothing

Choose clothing that suits you and particularly highlights your assets. Especially in your free time make sure you feel comfortable in the clothing and that it is comfortable for you. Your colleagues and conversation partners pay attention to your appearance. It gives them the first clues as to what kind of person you are. It does not matter how you really are; most of the time what matters is only what prejudices and opinions the other person has about people with your appearance. The old proverb “Clothes make the man” is still quite valid today. After all, clothes cover by far the largest part of your body. So get yourself ready before you go out, look at yourself in the mirror and pay yourself a compliment for it.

Conversation Topics

Anyone who keeps up with current events and has background knowledge will find it easier later to find a conversation opener. Therefore inform yourself through newspapers, magazines or television about current events, films, theatre, books or other political and cultural topics. Collect jokes and other stories. Please don’t get me wrong—you don’t have to know a lot. You just have to have something you can talk about. It can be perfectly sufficient if you know one topic—perhaps your hobby—as well as John Wayne knew the inside of his vest pocket. As long as you can inspire your counterpart with this topic, you don’t need to have many more topics ready. However, people are completely different and you will not always meet people who immediately show interest in your specialty. Become versatile and you can reach far more people. Men—and I do not exclude myself—unfortunately talk far too often about themselves. That is of course also a specialty topic, but not every conversation partner will be thrilled. If he is, you can fill the whole evening and the next night, or even your future shared life, with this topic. Nevertheless you should be a master at telling little stories or anecdotes from your own life. Choose three interesting, adventurous or funny experiences with a positive outcome from your own life and practise telling them.

My most interesting/exciting experiences:

Body Language

Contact begins non‑verbally! You have already learned that we convey by far the largest part of our messages with our body. Take this very seriously when meeting new people! Sometimes there are contact situations in which it is completely irrelevant what you say with your words—the decisive factor is what you say with your body. If you begin a contact without first having made contact with the other person’s body, you make it much more difficult. You are constantly communicating with your body anyway. Those are the messages your counterpart instinctively trusts more! Notice what signals you are sending. How does your body reflect your attitude?

Eye Contact

Establish eye contact with the other person before you start speaking. This signals attention and interest to your counterpart. During the conversation you should also keep looking at the other person. Notice whether you maintain longer eye contact when you speak or when the other person speaks. Practise in front of a mirror varying the duration of eye contact, the opening of the eyes, blinking, pupil dilation and note how these changes affect your facial expression. Avoid staring rigidly at the other person when making contact.

Facial Expression

The face is the most expressive part of our body. It can reveal all feelings, but many people use it as a mask, losing its vitality. Stand in front of a mirror and let your face express the feelings anger, happiness, surprise, disgust, contempt, interest, sadness and fear. What do you change? Do you raise your eyebrows, widen your pupils, wrinkle your nose? Train your powers of observation and describe your facial expression for three of the feelings listed above.

Which facial expression do I show with these feelings?

Anger:

Happiness:

Surprise:

Disgust:

Contempt:

Interest:

Sadness:

Fear:

If you have read the chapter on physiology and changing states attentively, you know that you can influence your mood by changing your facial expression.

Smile

Smile—the hearts of your fellow human beings will open to you! Many studies have repeatedly shown that smiling people are perceived as more attractive. In addition, a smile affects your own well‑being. During the first seconds the smile still feels fake and forced, then our feelings really change. This is the powerful effect of the “acting as if” principle. If you change your facial muscles into a smile, you cause your body to release “happiness hormones” that ensure you get into good states. Use this knowledge during contact. Smile so that your eyes light up and the smile comes from within. No broad grin, but rather a mysterious, slightly cheeky smirk. Practise smiling at home in front of the mirror: act as if you are greeting someone else and smile at the mirror. Find out the differences between a smile with open lips and a smile with closed lips.

Distance Zones

The spatial relationship we take to each other also plays an important role in making contact. Spatial proximity and psychological proximity are very often closely linked. If you keep a great distance from someone, he will conclude that you have no interest in him. If you approach someone, it is a sign that you are seeking closeness and contact. There can be no recipes here, because the need for spatial distance is different not only for all people but also depends on the respective mood. Pay attention to where you are when you are at a party, an exhibition or in a disco. Do you stand in the corner or do you prefer to find a place in the centre? You already know which places the outgoing and which the shy person chooses. Find out which distances are pleasant for your conversation partners by observing them attentively and then varying your distance.

Posture

Show through an open posture that you are ready for contact. Beware of the classic misinterpretation that someone who crosses his arms is also closed. Maybe the person is just cold, or finds this posture particularly comfortable. Always check your body‑language hypotheses against more than just one feature! How is your posture when you are self‑confident? Put the book down for a moment and stand up! How do you stand? Head up, upright, shoulders back, feet firmly on the ground. Breathe deeply into your belly and slowly out again. Now act as if you are completely self‑confident. Nothing can shake you now!

Gestures

Ensure open and natural gestures, try to avoid keeping your arms and palms crossed. Avoid also constantly playing with objects. Upward‑turned palms often signal openness and trust.

Touch

Touch is very important for kinaesthetic people. Therefore try very early to find out which sensory modality the other person prefers and treat him or her accordingly. Touch often expresses more than words! Sometimes it is also part of the greeting ritual, like shaking hands or hugging. Consciously notice whom you shake hands with and whom you hug. Remember who has a firm handshake and who has a rather soft handshake, and try to match it. How does this person affect you?

Do you remember the process of pacing? Now is exactly the right time to perfect your rapport‑building skills. Build a bridge to the other person and give him the feeling that you trust him and are similar. Simply pace your new acquaintance with respect to speaking characteristics such as pitch, speaking tempo and clarity. This will give the other person a very pleasant feeling. In the further course of the conversation body language can give us valuable clues as to whether the other person finds the conversation pleasant, what is important to him and whether he finds us sympathetic. You can also specifically find out whether the lady or gentleman you want to get to know better in conversation is more of a visual, auditory or kinaesthetic type. How to recognise this is explained in Chapter 5. Once you have gathered this information, you can use it in a targeted manner. If, for example, you want to draw the attention of a visual partner, then pay very careful attention to your visual appearance, choose chic clothing, bring gifts to further meetings and go to the cinema with her. Get the other person to imagine attractive pictures of a relationship with you and show her how desirable she is to you. If you want to win the heart of an auditory woman or an auditory man, then speak in melodious words about what you feel for the other person. Tell a man what a great guy he is, and if you are a man, tell her how irresistible she is. Use poetic formulations and pay special attention to appealing background music. And how can you appeal to a kinaesthetic partner? Quite simply! Do without big speeches and let your body speak. Pay careful attention to proximity and distance and provoke initially smaller, almost accidental touches. Later a tender hug can work wonders!

Anyone who approaches others ten times and receives seven rejections still has three more contacts than someone who never takes action.

Opening a Conversation

If I now give you a few examples of how to open a conversation verbally, please remember these are not patent remedies. It is not necessary to memorise sentences or lines, although at the beginning it can certainly help and give you more security. Nevertheless, the goal is to develop your own style.

Talk about the situation, e.g. at a sports event: »Who do you think will win?« or »Which team are you rooting for?«. In a museum you might ask: »What do you think the artist wanted to express with this work?« or »What do you think of this painting?«
Give an honest compliment. The best compliment is one that probably no one has ever said to this person. In any case you should be honest. Possible starting points for compliments are: clothing, a character trait, outward appearance, possessions, behaviour or abilities. In any case attach a question to the compliment to give the person the opportunity to say something and avoid awkward pauses. Examples: »You are the best skater here. How do you train?« or »The food tastes excellent. How did you prepare it?« »That’s a lovely suit you’re wearing. Where can you buy something like that?« Additional suggestion: why not send little cards with compliments and words of thanks to existing acquaintances or friends. Also pay attention to how you yourself react to praise and compliments. Enjoy it when someone compliments you, maintain eye contact, do not interrupt the other person and do not downplay the compliment. Accept it without feeling obliged. If you feel like it, thank the person and say you appreciate the remark.
Simply introduce yourself. »Good day, my name is …« and exchange information with the other person. Use the person’s name several times during the conversation.
Very direct: »Hi, I find you very interesting and would like to get to know you.« Such an approach demonstrates real character strength. I once really couldn’t help myself from addressing a woman just as directly—she had truly bewitched me. So I rushed up to her, almost fell on my knees and said: »Hi, you look like my dream woman …« I used the brief moment of her surprise to ask another question and so a very long and interesting conversation began.
Ask for help or offer help. »I don’t know how to use this device. Could you show me?« »I’m looking for X‑Street. Do you perhaps know where it is?« You will probably meet very helpful people and one or two will be happy to continue talking with you.
Make a statement about yourself. »I can hardly see any point in staying at this event any longer.« »Hi, I’m …, how do you like me so far?«
Use polite formulas such as: »May I give you a light?« »Would you like something else from the buffet?« »May I take that bag for you?«
Last resort: Before you ponder and ponder and end up saying nothing, use simple questions like: »Have you been here before?« »Don’t we know each other?« »Do you think the weather will stay like this?«
It is also interesting if you get creative yourself and think of something amusing. One of my specialities is therefore the sentence:

»Hi, may I give you a little kiss?« No great power of observation is needed to see the different reactions. The admittedly smaller proportion of women threw their arms around my neck at this question and gave me a kiss. The larger proportion was completely surprised and looked at me in astonishment. At that moment I pulled a Ferrero “Küsschen” (little chocolate “kiss”) out of my pocket and followed up with the second question: »Or don’t you like sweets!?« This sentence has so far brought a smile to the face of every person I have tried it with and was therefore a promising start to a conversation. Some women later even confessed to me that it was the wittiest and most cheeky way a man had ever approached them. You could also be bold and say: »Hello, you have just won the beauty contest that I award once a week. What is the name of my enchanting winner?«
If you are female, I have a very special method for you as well: If you are absolutely convinced that you have the partner of your life in front of you, you can use an even more direct method: Go up to the person and give him a kiss! Then say: »Hi, I’m conducting a psychological study. How did you find the kiss? ... Now two more questions so I can evaluate the data correctly: 1. How attractive do you find me on a scale of 1 to 10? 2. Are you married or in a committed relationship?« If the answers suit your intentions, then give the now certainly completely bewildered man your business card and say: »If you’re interested in the study results you are welcome to reach me at this number!« and then disappear!

Perhaps I have shocked one or two readers with this section—that was not my intention! Realise that people can have completely different models of the world. What is far too direct for one person is exactly right for another. I know from many conversations that both men and women often like to be addressed directly. However, if you receive a clear answer, you should not become even bolder or downright rude.

If you want to play it safe, address people as everyone else does. But don’t expect the other person always to remember you. If you want to make a lasting impression, use a surprising or funny twist. If you’re lucky you’ll hit exactly the right note; if you’re unlucky you’ll miss completely. Therefore, try to choose a wording that evokes a reaction through which the other person reveals something about himself. Ideally, so that you know if the other person does not respond, then he does not suit you either. If you want your conversation partner to tell a lot about himself, ask many questions. However, avoid creating the impression that it is an interrogation. You can control this through the type of questions you use.

Questioning Technique

Closed questions are those that can be answered with “yes,” “no,” or other single words. These questions are important to find out certain facts, but not to keep the conversation flowing. Examples: »Is the music too loud?« »What is your name?«

Open questions make the conversation interesting and meaningful. They invite longer and more detailed answers. »What made you decide to run a marathon?« »How do your two sons differ from each other?« Through questions you can very well control what is talked about and in which direction the conversation goes. Don’t miss the chance to talk about topics your conversation partner likes to talk about. You should find that out through careful observation (calibration). If the other person tells you something that made him proud or happy, then anchor that feeling with a word, a gesture or something else. Then you will be able to put the other person into good states at a later time. Avoid too many leading questions. These have a very manipulative character; they demand only agreement or rejection. Most of the time, however, they contain presuppositions the other person may not share, e.g. »Don’t you also think it’s unhealthy to lie in the sun too long?« »Yes, I do.« Also avoid too many rhetorical questions like: »What could possibly come of such an approach?« These questions expect no answer and even exclude an opposing opinion from the start. Often such a question also sounds very suggestive. Try with your questions to find something interesting or exciting from your conversation partner’s life. What makes this person such a special person? Try to get a picture of the other’s personality. But only ask what you really care about. Also make sure that the speaking time is not distributed unevenly and share your own stories and anecdotes.

Active Listening

Show your interest in the other person and share your thoughts and feelings about the conversation with him or her. Listen actively by paying attention to what is being said and showing through short words such as “yes,” “I see,” “okay,” and gestures that you have understood. Ask early enough before you let your own hypotheses guide you and misunderstand the other. Try to identify with the other’s situation. Use the additional information the other person offers you and ask if you are interested, e.g. »That makes me curious—how do you do that?« or »Can you tell me more about that?« If necessary, repeat what has been said in your own words by saying:

»Did I understand you correctly—you mean that …«

Do not become a parrot that merely repeats the other’s words; recognise the deeper feelings of the other and express them:

»I hear from your words that you are quite happy …«

With the help of the meta‑model you will be able to recognise immediately where information has been deleted or shortened and to ask about it. Also listen carefully to which sensory channel your partner mainly uses and speak to him in that channel.

Farewell

The farewell is very important for the further relationship and how you remain in the other person’s memory. If you initiate the farewell, briefly announce the end of the conversation. Then signal that you enjoyed talking with the other person and that you hope to talk again soon. Many people can do that, but now comes the “crux.” If you do not want to leave it to chance that you meet again, then now one of the two must become a little more direct: you must exchange addresses or arrange another activity. The easiest way is if you have found out during the conversation what activities the other person likes. In that case you can simply make a suggestion and ask whether he or she would like to come along. It is most skilful if you are very direct and do not first ask whether the other person has plans on Saturday evening. If she has no plans and would still prefer doing nothing to your company, an uncomfortable situation arises. If she has something important planned, she will usually mention it herself. So it is best to suggest an activity, a day, a time and a place and wait to see whether the other person is interested. Convey in any case the impression that it will be fun and do not be too serious. If your counterpart rejects the first offer without an explicit excuse, you can make a second offer; if that is also rejected, you should call it a day. Avoid asking for the reason—if the other person is interested he will automatically tell you. If he is not interested, he will make up an excuse. That is in neither your nor his interest. If you want, you can always leave your phone number.

Practice Makes Perfect

In this section I have compiled numerous exercises for you to gradually lead you to increasingly difficult situations. Sociability must be practised like any other skill. What options do you have to train your ability to make contact? Where can you practise without the slightest risk if you do not dare to gain your experience on the “battlefield” of everyday life? In which situations can you remain anonymous? Correct: on the telephone. There the other person cannot even see you and you do not have to give your name. Simply call the following places and make a special effort to be very friendly:

Exercises on the Phone

Cinema: ask about current films and starting times. Reserve tickets for an interesting film you would like to see.
City library: ask for information. For example, ask about the population of Moscow.
Railway: ask about train departure times and prices (19 419).
Postbank information service (0130‑78 90): ask about current interest rates for savings certificates with a deposit of at least DM 5,000.
Tourist office: ask about possible holiday activities.

Observe other people who are already good at making contacts. Then imagine over and over again behaving that way yourself. In doing so you accelerate your learning process.

Mental Rehearsal

A very good method to prepare for future contact situations is mental rehearsal. Start by writing small scripts for your contacts. Imagine putting the situations you have devised into practice. Practise individual sentences, gestures and movements in front of a mirror. Also practise telling stories, anecdotes, jokes or factual topics in front of the mirror or with a recorder. Play the recording back and make a new recording. With each new attempt, try to put even more life and enthusiasm into your voice.

Exercise with Two Chairs

Place two chairs opposite each other. On one chair mentally place a person who triggers shyness, fear or unpleasant feelings in you. Sit on the other chair yourself. Now start a conversation with the other person. Shout at him, then speak gently again and try to convince him. Perhaps also tell him openly why you believe you cannot communicate with him sensibly or uninhibitedly. Then swap chairs and put yourself in the role of the other person and take in the criticism or opinion that comes from the other chair. Then swap chairs again until everything has been said.

Role Play

A little trick to overcome your inhibitions at the beginning is to create a new frame and pretend it is a role play. For example, put yourself in the role of an interviewer conducting a survey. In this way you can slip out of the role of your fearful, shy, sensitive self and play the role of someone else. That way you are not vulnerable, because it is not your real self being judged. Conduct a small opinion survey on a current topic in this way. Vary your questions depending on how the conversation goes. After some practice you will merge the boundaries of the role with your individuality.

In role play behaviours suddenly become allowed that would otherwise be taboo. This switches off the consciousness that otherwise monitors everything and also allows you internally to be different for once.

If you have played the role a few times, it becomes part of you. If you play a role for a long time, it also shapes you in terms of your values and attitudes. The role will change you. The “acting as if” finally leads to us becoming that way or being able to become that way. For example, imagine you are the great womaniser and seducer Casanova and tonight you set out to cast another woman under your spell.

Greet your neighbours and start a conversation about common interests. If nothing comes to mind, ask in the evening for certain foods, saying you are cooking and have run out of …
Nod friendly to your acquaintances and try to maintain eye contact.
Address other people on the street. Smile and simply say “Hello” or “Good day.” Pay attention to the reactions.
Make short requests, ask for the way to … and try to involve people in short conversations.
The next step is having anonymous conversations in public. Engage people in supermarkets, waiting rooms, the queue in front of the cinema or elsewhere in short conversations. Start the conversation with a question about a shared experience. Or talk about the queue.
Join existing conversations at parties or during breaks by asking questions.
Choose as many different practice partners as possible. Go out: this week to the theatre, next week to a concert, then to a lecture on environmental protection or a party meeting. Visit pubs, sporting events and academic lectures. If you have difficulties at the beginning, take a friend with you who supports you a little.
Get to know a new person at your workplace, in a grocery store or in a lecture hall by simply introducing yourself.
Ask someone who obviously has the same destination or is going in the same direction if he would like to walk a bit with you.
Approach a stranger and ask him/her for 30 pfennigs to make a phone call. Arrange an exact time when you will return the money!
Find out the name of someone in your office or class. Call him or her and ask about the homework, the company holidays or an upcoming event.
Go to a café. Smile and nod to the first three people who look in your direction. Start a conversation with at least one person of your own sex.
Sit next to an interesting‑looking person of the opposite sex (on the bus, in a waiting room, in a lecture hall or in the cinema). Make some remark that could start a conversation.
Go to a running club, a swimming pool or the beach. Talk to two or three strangers you meet there.
Find someone in your neighbourhood, at your school or at your office who needs help. Offer your help.
Carry a controversial book with you for a day. Count how many people start a conversation with you because of it.
Arrange a small party (three to five people). Invite at least one person you do not know well.
When you have a problem again, look for someone in your dormitory, your company or your neighbourhood who is not close to you and ask him (or her) for advice or ask the person for a small favour.
Invite someone to dinner in a restaurant—someone you have never eaten with before.
Say “Good day” today to five new people you normally wouldn’t greet. Try to provoke these people into smiling and returning your greeting.
Take an adult‑education course and get to know the participants.

Summary: Making Contact

You are well prepared, you have thought up some topics, you are up to date, you are wearing your favourite clothes and suddenly she is standing in front of you—the person you absolutely want to get to know. A little lightning bolt shoots through you, you stare at her as if spellbound and ask yourself:

»Damn it, how do I start a conversation? I can’t just address this person out of the blue.«

Put yourself in a good mood. Use the most effective methods for you from the chapter on powerful states. Trigger your self‑confidence anchors. Speak your magic word and make your movement. Pay special attention to a resource‑rich physiology.
Now try to make first non‑verbal contact with your eyes. How does the person react? Has she noticed your eye contact? Smile at the person and slowly approach if she is ready to talk.
From now on pay special attention to confident body language. Mirror the behaviour of the other person.
Use your knowledge about conversation openers and take the first step!
Listen actively and use questioning techniques.
If you want to end the conversation or the other person signals that she wants to break it off, place a skilful farewell and arrange another meeting.

How is your fear of making contacts after working through this chapter? Do you now trust yourself more than before? Then take the last step and decide to overcome your fear of making contacts once and for all.

Integration Exercise

Stand upright, close your eyes and consider the following questions: What consequences has your fear of contacts had for your acquaintances, friendships and your partnership? What friendships have escaped you? Which partners could you have had? How often have you missed the chance to make a boring evening more interesting? What has it cost you financially? How many deals have you therefore not made? What impact has your shyness had on your self‑esteem and self‑confidence? How often have you felt inferior because you failed to overcome this fear? What consequences has your fear had for your children? What else have you missed? What interests and pleasures have you given up because fear of contact hindered you? How many parties have gone by where you could not celebrate exuberantly without first getting drunk and having a hangover the next day? Feel this pain in your whole body. Let yourself be permeated by this pain for a moment. Yes, feel it—despair, missed opportunities, lost chances. Then go five years into the future. Experience how you grow older and still nothing has changed about your fear. You still avoid important opportunities, suffer the private and professional consequences. Experience how your children grow older, how they are also shy because you set that example. What do you miss? What do you lack in your life? Go ten years into the future from today. Which dreams have you given up in the meantime? What are you disappointed about? Which friends would you like to have at your side now whom you never dared to meet? What do you wish you had done, but fear prevented you? Now go even further, twenty years into the future. What is missing in your life that you will never be able to make up for?—That will be your fate, your future. Return to the here and now. Stretch, interrupt your state with a separator and think for a moment. That could be your life if you do not decide now to do something to steer it onto a different track.

Close your eyes again. Stand upright. How do you feel when you can meet all the people you want to meet? Which new friends will you meet tomorrow? With which partners will you have dates? With whom will you do something? What interesting conversations will you have? How will this ability enrich your life? Imagine these images in colour, bright and intense. After you have lived with this new ability for five years, how will it have changed your life? How many new contacts and friendships will you have made by now? Will you have found your dream partner? What impact will that have on your life and self‑confidence? What will have changed for the better financially if you make new contacts professionally? What role model will you be for your children? How will that help them later in life? Go another five years into the future. You are open and self‑confident. You approach every person who interests you and your circle of acquaintances has expanded enormously. You have lots of fun and joy with your friends. Feel in your whole body how energy and strength flood you. Let yourself be completely filled with this feeling of life. See how you approach many likeable people and enjoy this wonderful feeling of life for a while longer. Now go even further: twenty years into the future. Experience yourself at a party with all the friends you have gained in the meantime. Think back to the shared experiences. Let the feelings become very intense and then set an anchor!

Come back again and take a look at the two life paths. Which of the two do you want to take? Then make a decision now—a decision from which there can be no return, in which you banish the alternative from your life forever. Stand upright, spread your legs shoulder‑width apart. Breathe calmly and deeply into your belly. Become calm inside. Make yourself aware that you are now making a decision that will change your life. Concentrate—three‑two‑one—shout a loud »Yeees!« and make your decision movement. Never, never will your life be the same as before. Repeat this process with even greater intensity. Set all your anchors. Charge your body with the highest energy and enjoy this irresistible feeling. Double this intensity once more. How will it be in ten years if you make this decision now? Make your vision extremely attractive. Feel the consequences in your whole body. Three, two, one. Perform your movement with power. There can be no turning back! Multiply the intensity tenfold once more and vow that this will be your new destiny. Concentrate and then perform your power movement one last time before bursting into indescribable jubilation. You have just re‑programmed your future!