8‑ Turning Defeats into Victories

»I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.«

Thomas Alva Edison

I am repeatedly amazed at how many people believe that they, of all people, cannot be winners in life for one reason or another. They have become experts at finding arguments why things won’t work. If you make new suggestions to these people, they will first explain in detail what is wrong with your ideas and why they won’t work. Somehow they believe that everyone else who is successful was simply gifted their success or owes it to special circumstances. Perhaps being a winner was laid in some people’s cradles, or their parents made sure their children became top athletes, brilliant musicians, or scientists. If you also believe that anyone on this planet gets success for free, I must disappoint you. No one gets success for nothing!

You may, however, have once met someone who is very successful and told you their success story in such a way that you thought it must have been very easy. Far from it! Even if it sounded easy, that does not mean that someone else who performed the same actions, invested the same amount of time, and overcame the same obstacles would also call such hard‑won success easy. What often distinguishes the truly successful is precisely that they get over defeats and failures very easily—sometimes they don’t even notice them. When I ask people who think success is impossible for them what they have actually done to become successful, it quickly emerges that they half‑heartedly tried one or two things and then concluded that it was pointless. Some have never left the field they once learned. After school they started an apprenticeship and learned the profession in which they still work today. Everyday life and routine caught up with them, and why should they change their lives? When one of the very successful appears on television or in a newspaper, they say to themselves, “I wish I had it that good!” They forget what that person did to become successful, what risks they took, and how much courage it took to leave familiar territory and assert themselves in a new field.

Study of Millionaires

An American study that impressed me enormously reports on four men who became millionaires by their own efforts at the age of 35. Each of them tried an average of 17 different lines of business before they found the venture that finally made them rich. Can you imagine that? How many things have you tried? In how many industries have you participated? How often have you tried something new after defeats and started again from scratch? I believe the key to success lies here:

Quitters never win, winners never quit!

Stallone Fights His Way Up

If a person firmly believes in their success, is willing to be flexible, and is determined never to give up, then they must succeed! How do you think Sylvester Stallone got his first film role? Do you think he just had to say, “Hi, here I am—let’s go”? No, he had to knock on countless doors and be told countless times that he was not the right man for the film industry. Sylvester Stallone made inhuman efforts to become what he is today. One day he had the idea for the film “Rocky.” He could no longer rest; in three and a half days he wrote the story of an unknown boxer who, by a lucky chance, gets the incredible opportunity to fight the heavyweight world champion for the title. It was his story, the story of his life, that he intertwined in this work. Sylvester Stallone had had a hard childhood. Since his birth, a doctor’s mistake had left one of his eyelids paralyzed and the corner of his mouth drooped slightly. He was shy and mocked for his first name. He was a poor student and was expelled from one school after another. But now he had created something very special—the greatest story of his life! The studio United Artists was interested and offered Sylvester Stallone $75,000. That was more than his wife could dream of at the time! However, United Artists set a condition: Stallone was not to get the leading role. They were already preparing the contract because they knew Stallone was in financial trouble. The previous year he had earned only $1,400 and his bank balance had shrunk to barely $100. Suddenly he had the chance to get a pile of money—but at what painful price! He was to forgo a role he had written for himself. The role of “Rocky” was to be his big breakthrough. Sylvester Stallone turned down the offer. United Artists was shocked by such impudence, but they raised the offer to $100,000 and shortly thereafter even to $150,000. Stallone refused the money and played the leading role that made him a star in the Hollywood sky!

Success has its price! Only those who pay it will be successful. You often have to consider whether the price is reasonable and whether you are willing to pay it. However, if you are ready to pay that price, you can achieve any goal. If you have learned to get up again and again and move on, if you answer every defeat with double the zeal, then success cannot fail to appear.

It’s Not About Always Winning, but About Always Getting Back Up

I know it hurts like hell to have your face in the dirt. But you should realize: This is where it is decided whether you can realize your dream. It is not the days when everything runs smoothly that separate winners from losers in life. On a good day even a loser can achieve fantastic results. The critical thing is how you deal with the bad days. The loser withdraws, stays in bed, and pulls the blanket over his head. The winner throws himself back into the fray; he tries again. He stubbornly wants to know whether his defeat was just coincidence or whether he needs to change something in his behavior. He considers his defeat only temporary and is determined to turn things around today. He tells himself, “Now more than ever!” The winner is aware that this behavior is exactly what distinguishes him from the loser. So from now on, whenever you experience a defeat, receive a rejection, or fail at any undertaking, be aware that your destiny is being decided right now. Right now you have the chance to show the world that you are determined not to be beaten and that you were born to be a winner.

Henceforth regard defeats as individual battles from which you can learn. But these battles are not the war. They are only individual sections whose significance can only be understood within the framework of a larger whole. If you lose a battle, you have by no means lost the war. On the contrary, you may have discovered a new weakness in yourself, identified a strength in your opponent, and now know how not to succeed. Now you only have to draw the right conclusions: find out where you can start in order to try again with even more commitment. Adopt a “now‑more‑than‑ever” attitude. Make sure you learn something from your defeats and can handle such situations better in the future. Don’t always try in the same way; change your approach when you get stuck. Strive to win the war. The simple success formula is:

“Know your goal, model what works, and keep trying something new until the goal is reached.”

Anthony Robbins

Now you may say, “But that can take a very long time.” It can if you proceed by the “trial‑and‑error method”! Therefore learn to use the experiences of others, but also be persistent.

Edison Invents the Light Bulb

Think of Thomas Edison, who, after more than 1o.ooo failures in inventing the light bulb, was asked why he didn’t finally give up. He replied, “I have not failed even once—I’ve discovered 1o.ooo ways that don’t work.” World history is full of men and women who lost everything again and again and had to start over before they finally made the big breakthrough.

Lincoln Suffered Countless Defeats

Do you know the biography of Abraham Lincoln? One might think it was the biography of a very successful man. It is—but it is also a chain of countless failures and defeats. Lincoln did not let this discourage him; he coped with all private and professional blows of fate and finally became President of the United States of America at the age of sixty.

Pepsi‑Cola had to declare bankruptcy twice before it managed to take off. Who today can say they have never heard of Pepsi? Seek the seed of victory in your defeats. Don’t let them get you down and always get back up. You have tremendous powers within you. You can survive anything as long as you stay alive. No defeat is final unless you give up.

Bettger Becomes America’s Most Successful Salesman

The best salespeople are often those who had to endure a whole series of defeats. At some point came the moment when every “no” from a customer became an incentive to get even better, develop even better arguments, be even more convincing, and sell with even greater enthusiasm. Frank Bettger became half‑orphaned at five, a newspaper seller at eleven, and a plumber’s apprentice at fourteen. Then he became a professional baseball player and was already on his way to the top when a sports injury abruptly ended his dreams of glory. From one day to the next his dream was over. The day before he had been a well‑known athlete; today he was a failure. Without training and without money, he tried his hand at rent collection with an income of $18 a week. Then he started in the insurance business. The first old friend he visited had taken out insurance just a few days earlier. As Bettger reached his door, he encountered the representative of another company and a doctor who had carried out the final examination. What a disappointment that must have been! After a week he had visited the first 36 of the 37 names on his list of acquaintances. He was hungry, discouraged, and disappointed. He couldn’t afford lunch and was close to giving up his new job. Reluctantly he decided to visit the last acquaintance. He hoped he wouldn’t be at home. But he was greeted kindly. After a few minutes his old friend showed him the policies he already had, and Bettger discovered that the premiums were far too high. His acquaintance decided to take out another $2.ooo policy with him. This first small success gave him the courage to continue. But his efforts still did not meet with success. In this first year there was hardly a day when he did not think of quitting. He even applied for his old rent‑collector job to at least have the secure $18—but no chance! On the verge of despair, Bettger nonetheless kept going. Gradually business began to improve and eventually he became the most successful salesman in America. Twelve years later he was able to retire a wealthy man.

A Defeat Becomes the Occasion for a Big Party

In my youth I was an enthusiastic and successful chess player. I won quite a few prizes and tournaments, but never the Hessian Youth Individual Championship. I still remember exactly how I played my last Hessian championship. The next year I would be too old to participate, so I absolutely wanted to win the tournament. The competition was very good and I had a miserable start. Before the last round I was a full point behind the leader, who was paired with a supposedly weak opponent from the chasing group. I myself also had an opponent who was not considered particularly strong that day, but that didn’t matter because I was my own toughest opponent. I went into the game with no hope of winning the tournament, opened with a flank pawn move, and played a passive, somewhat poor game. After three hours the leader had lost his game. Suddenly my pulse was at 180: if I won my game, we would have to play a tie‑break. However, my position was by now so hopelessly drawn that it would have taken a feat of strength to force a win for either side. All the other games were finished and the prize‑giving had to be postponed because of my game. I burned with ambition and finally decided after five hours of play to risk everything and lost the game a few moves later. It wasn’t meant to be. Heaven had opened its gates wide for me for a few minutes, but I had not used my chance. I wondered what this defeat was good for. For a moment I was desperate and shocked. Then my focus broadened. Together with me some other players had also failed to achieve what they wanted. I looked into disappointed faces and decided that our common disappointment was a reason to celebrate, and so, in the hour of defeat, the idea was born for the “Loser Party,” which has since become almost legendary in that select circle of losers. A few weeks later I invited all the losers to a cheerful and boisterous party at my place for a day and a night. Several new editions of this party followed, and many of those involved are still good friends of mine today. In retrospect, the defeat was the birthplace and trigger for many wonderful events.

Often, however, we cannot immediately foresee what the rejection or defeat is good for. Many good aspects emerge only some time later, and we ask ourselves what would have happened if we had not been unsuccessful before. Develop the belief that every defeat has good news for you.

Defeats affect us negatively only when we regard them as failures.

It’s all about your evaluation! Things are not this way or that way; they are as you see them. Decide that every defeat teaches you a valuable lesson. You are challenged to try something new. In doing so you will grow and become a successful personality. You learn to overcome obstacles and to master ever more difficult situations. It may sometimes be hard, but you will mature. When you look at defeats in this way, they become expressways to success! They are almost like rites of passage with which “fate” tests whether we are ready for the next step in our personal development. People who experience no more defeats stop developing. They have decided to live below their possibilities. They want to stay away from their limits and no longer demand higher quality of life. Success means constantly growing, expanding your abilities, mastering new tasks. Success is limitless! Without accepting defeats you cannot reach your limits and overcome them.

Defeats Are the Signposts to Success

Defeats prepare you to master the tasks of your life. Watch a small child learning to walk. It gets up again and again and tries until it can eventually walk. Don’t be afraid to fall down sometimes. Always get up one more time than you fall. Develop persistence and tenacity. Have the courage to risk mistakes when you engage in new situations. Doing so will force you to unfold and further develop your true inner powers. Bring your full potential to bear and live life at the highest level!

Only in Adversity Does Man Grow Wings

It should therefore not surprise you that a person’s success is almost proportional to the obstacles and difficulties he had to overcome at the beginning of his journey to the stars. All winners have grown through their defeats and become stronger.

The so‑called failures of many people have brought more good to the world than many successes. Would you call Socrates’ life a failure simply because he had to end his life prematurely by drinking hemlock? Would you say that Jesus Christ lived in vain because he was crucified? The Christian faith clearly shows how one can turn the seed of victory from a defeat. Christians believe that Jesus took upon himself the pain and death on the cross to free the world from its sins—what a triumph! What a new meaning for death! Would you call Christopher Columbus a failure because he ended up in chains for his deeds? Just as none of these people were, you are not a failure as long as you do not consider yourself one. There may be moments when you believe this, but the wheel of fortune keeps turning. There are places where you are on top and places where you are at rock bottom. Life goes on, the river keeps flowing, and every low point passes. Fight! Those who aim high will always fall low again. The higher the peak you have climbed, the steeper the descent. But the more success you have, the more you trust yourself, the more mature you will become in dealing with the crash. For years a desire has grown in me to become a person who can have everything taken away and still not be discouraged because they know they can regain it through their personality. Personal maturity is something no one can take away. Money, cars, houses can be taken away, but not your personal experience. The worst that can happen to you through a defeat is that your positive self‑image is destroyed. If you allow that, then all your dreams are lost! You can’t always win, but you can’t always lose either! That’s the decisive thing! You just have to try often enough. If you are unemployed in a country that still has 10,000 open jobs and you send out ten applications, you should not be disappointed in my opinion if you don’t get a position. You have simply left 9,990 opportunities unused. Keep in mind: You cannot always lose if you don’t give up—and certainly not if you apply the methods and knowledge described in this book! We were born to be happy and successful. Put differently: we were born to solve problems.

Perhaps you are facing another problem right now. Of course it immediately balloons up and becomes a national tragedy. Your focus turns to this obstacle and you are convinced that no one has ever had as big a problem as the one you have right now. You look around in amazement and feel that the world doesn’t care at all about what you’re suffering right now. People pass you by and only a few take notice of you and your problem.

Put Your Problems in the Right Perspective!

I may have exaggerated the situation a bit, but only very few people have problems that concern the existence of all mankind. If you see James Bond 007 on TV, you can be sure it is about the welfare of all humanity—about nuclear bombs or a worldwide drug mafia—not about an agent losing his job, his daughter failing at school, or Dortmund losing the German Cup final. That would interest only a few viewers. In our lives, however, these things often play a dramatic role. How do you know which problems are important to you? How important is it if you fail an exam or your friend arrives late for a date? Aren’t these small problems we get upset about far too easily? Yet if we saw these small difficulties in the right relation to other matters, we would have to laugh at ourselves. Learn to distance yourself from your problems and put them in proper proportion to your life. Stick to two simple rules:

1. Rule: Don’t get upset about little things!
2. Rule: There are only little things.

We are in the midst of an infinite space we call the universe. This space was created in a way still unexplained an unimaginably long time ago—20 billion years—by a gigantic Big Bang. Billions of years later our galaxy, the Milky Way with its two hundred billion stars, came into being. There are about 100 billion other galaxies with just as many stars. Our star is the sun; nine planets and their moons surround it. One of these planets is Earth—the blue planet. It rests amid this almost infinite jumble of stars, galaxies, and solar systems on a black velvet cushion. Here, over a very long time, life developed, and finally about 35 million years ago the development of humans began. Today there are about five billion people and one of them is you. Compared with the size and complexity of the universe, Earth is a grain of sand in the desert, and you are absolutely insignificant! If, in comparison with the vastness of the universe, you are so insignificant, how significant are your problems? Of course they are important to you, but in relation to the universe they are downright ridiculous. Imagine your partner leaving you, your boss firing you, and you feeling physically drained. From your perspective that may seem highly problematic. From the perspective of a Jew in Auschwitz during the Nazi era, those problems are a joke. No matter how hard your fate may seem, there have always been people who endured far worse.

Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy Loses Her Family

Do you know the story of a woman who gave birth to a mentally disabled daughter, lost her first son in World War II, whose second son was shot dead, whose third and last son was also shot dead by an assassin before he could be elected President of the USA, and then fate also took her husband? If you now think that Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy, the mother of John F. and Robert Kennedy, gave up after all this, you are utterly mistaken. Instead of sinking into self‑pity, she even comforts other people. Considering the scale of her tragedy this is certainly not a singular fate. We live on a planet with a turbulent and adventurous past. If you lament that your life’s risk from car accidents and diseases is so high, imagine you had been born in the era of the Crusades or when the plague ravaged Europe. If you regret living in Germany and having to pay so many taxes, imagine you had been born in a third‑world country, had twelve more siblings, and had to watch them starve one by one. Our perspective determines how important we consider our problems. When we broaden our viewpoint, we realize how small our problems really are. That’s why I keep encouraging you in this book not to set your limits too narrow, to commit to a great dream—a dream that includes the well‑being and happiness of many other people. If you think big, you will grow big. You will not trip over small obstacles but fly easily over them because the big battles of your life do not take place on minor fronts. If at first you find it hard to see events in the context of the big picture, try at least to place them in the context of your life. I failed my first driving test. That was half the end of the world! Looking back now, that event is laughably insignificant.

In the years that followed, much harder tests, disappointments, and defeats came along. These failures were so harsh that I felt I could barely survive them. The experiences I gained thereby allowed me to continually develop a bit further and overcome even greater obstacles—obstacles I cannot imagine overcoming without having mastered the previous events. They should have been my end. Instead they were always just within the limits of the bearable and enabled me to grow beyond myself a bit more. When I look back on these problems from my present standpoint, I am overcome with an indescribable feeling of joy. New events are evaluated by me in relation to the old ones I have already mastered, which makes the problems much smaller.

Keep reminding yourself of the problems you have already overcome. Use your anchor folder, in which the most important anchors of your life are stored for you personally. Overcome the filters and bust the shackles of your model of the world.

Reframing

There is a technique that deals with creatively reinterpreting experiences and is called reframing in NLP. As I tell you about reframing now, you will probably notice that you have already used this technique numerous times in the first part of this chapter. The context (also called frame) in which we view an experience determines how we evaluate that experience. If we change the frame, we also change the meaning of the experience. That is exactly what happens in reframing.

For your success, reframing can be invaluable. You yourself determine the meaning you assign to a particular experience, and since the meaning you assign also influences your behavior, you can change your behavior in this way. If you manage to look at things from another perspective, to take other factors into account, you reinterpret events and thus gain other possible reactions.

On a rainy day, for example, you could be annoyed that your family outing now has to be canceled and let it ruin your mood. But you could also reinterpret the event, make yourself comfortable at home, invite friends over, and have a nice games afternoon.

“Always look on the bright side of everything—and if it has no bright side, polish the dark until it shines.”

Nikolaus Enkelmann

Context and Content Reframing

Basically there are two kinds of reframing: context reframing and content reframing (meaning reframing). In context reframing, behavior or an experience that is perceived as problematic is examined in a context in which this behavior is appropriate and useful. The experience is given a new frame. One asks: In which situation or context could exactly the same behavior be useful, beneficial, or positive?

Examples of Context Reframing

Imagine, for example, you are a manager in an insurance company and a subordinate executive has a very powerful, energetic, and success‑oriented management style. If you employ this executive in the back office, there may be major problems with the staff because they don’t see why they should work overtime and have so much demanded of them. In this context, such a management style has a rather negative effect. If, on the other hand, you place the same executive in the field, you have exactly the right man in the right place.

A person’s behavior is not good or bad. Depending on the context it is appropriate and helpful, or inappropriate and harmful.

A girl has adopted from her parents the ability to be very stubborn and persistent. She knows exactly what she wants and is extremely hard to persuade otherwise. This causes her parents a lot of worry. On a date with a man who has dishonorable intentions, however, this persistence could prove to be an extremely valuable trait. The same would apply if this girl, for example, tried to negotiate higher interest from her bank for her savings. People with hallucinations are often regarded as abnormal in our culture and committed to a psychiatric institution. In some African tribes they would be revered as medicine men with supernatural powers and great visions.

Pay attention to the context in which behaviors you dislike may actually make sense. This will change your evaluation of that behavior. Traits you consider very negative could turn out to be very positive and important for you. Your opportunity in context reframing lies in recognizing the benefits of a behavior you want to give up and ensuring them elsewhere. If you want to stop swearing, then ask yourself: In which moments of my life is it quite appropriate and useful to swear? Feel free to look for a suitable context. Change the images in your head a little. How is it if you swear in church, in the living room, in the shower? If you find a context in which the behavior “swearing” seems useful to you, then make sure you keep that behavior exactly in that context and change your behavior in the other contexts.

Write down here which behaviors seem impractical in the current context and in which context they would be appropriate.

In content reframing you find a new, more fitting meaning for a critical experience. The context or situation remains the same; only the meaning changes. You thus obtain a different perspective on the same phenomenon. For example, one might see an illness as something that allows one to take time for oneself, to take a break, receive attention from others, and think once again about very fundamental things in one’s life.

Examples of Content Reframing

A housewife is annoyed and frustrated because her children and husband keep making a mess at home and she feels responsible for keeping the apartment clean. For her the mess means work to be done. At the same time, however, the mess also means that she is not alone—that other people she actually likes very much are around her. If no one were there, everything would be tidy.

The legendary multi‑millionaire Henry Ford is said to have provided the following content‑reframing example.

A young and talented employee had, through a management error, lost several hundred thousand dollars and now had to report to Henry Ford, fearing that he would be dismissed: “I am terribly sorry. You will surely fire me now.” Henry Ford replied: “Are you kidding? I have just invested several hundred thousand dollars in your education, and I am sure this investment will pay off.”

Most of the time you find a content reframing when you ask about the hidden good intention of the symptom or when you look for a secondary gain. Through verbal reinterpretation it is possible to bring about a change of state and often a first reconciliation with the problem.

You can practice your reframing skills right away! Think about what meanings you give to the following situations and in which contexts these behaviors would be useful.

You see your wife talking to another man all evening at a party.
I am sad because my father died.
I am too lazy to work.
There are so many different dishes at the buffet. I don’t know which to eat.
My wife (my husband) constantly criticizes me.
When my wife goes shopping, it takes hours before she finds something.
I want to kill myself.
My husband shouts a lot when he’s angry.

Put the book aside for a moment and think briefly. When you have found a reframing for each example, read my suggestions for your answers.

Great that you’re with such a desirable woman. Isn’t she wonderful?
In some cultures the death of a person is accompanied by pain and great sorrow—there are funeral processions and the ritual of wearing black. In other cultures death represents the person’s release and transition into a much more glorious afterlife.
That means you take great care of your health. This is quite sensible to protect yourself from overexertion. So you enjoy your life!
This is another wonderful opportunity to practice making decisions.
She (he) pays very close attention to what you do and wants to give you the opportunity to improve.
Your wife is very careful in choosing things she wants. Isn’t it great that she chose you as her husband?
If I understand you correctly, you want heaven on earth. What other possibilities are there to get heaven on earth?
Your husband obviously knows how to express his feelings congruently. That way you know immediately where you stand!

To effectively reframe your own experiences, it is very important to be able to take a dissociated position. In this position you have more distance from your inner emotions and can search more clearly for possible reinterpretations. If at first you find it difficult to dissociate, imagine you are in a cinema watching your own film on the screen. In reframing it is important to remember that behind every behavior there is a positive intention. Our behavior is always the best possible reaction we have available at that moment. If there were a better alternative, we would use it. This is, of course, only an assumption. But it can make life enormously easier. It changes how we deal with our own problematic behaviors and habits. If we believe this assumption is correct, we don’t have to condemn our behavior as bad; instead, we can appreciate and respect it. That is the best prerequisite for changing it in harmony with ourselves and ultimately feeling in harmony with ourselves.

If you also apply reframing when dealing with other people, you can tell from their physiology whether you have succeeded with a good reframing. Mostly the conversation partners need a short moment in which they look inward, and then they nod slightly or say: “I have never looked at it from that angle… one could see it that way too.” But don’t try to trick the other person with a reframing and sell him, for example—as in politics—a tax increase as a solidarity contribution. Instead use reframing as a creative offer that allows the other person to reassess an aspect.

If you practice such shifts of perspective more often and apply them, you will perceive far more possibilities and thus become much more flexible in your thinking.

The Parts Model

What I would like to introduce to you now may at first seem very strange. However, years of work with Gestalt therapy have shown that it is very useful for many inner conflicts to assume that we have different parts within us. I would like to emphasize again that this is only a model that does not claim to represent the truth. It merely wants to be useful in a certain respect—and it can do that very well!

You may know situations in which you are completely unsure how to behave. One inner voice whispers, “Don’t do that. It could backfire. You will only bring trouble or rejection upon yourself. Hold back and wait; then nothing can happen to you.” Yet something itches in your fingers to take the risk, and it is as if a second voice is saying, “Come on, try it. Nothing much can happen. You’ll manage. No question. You have done it so often. Just do it and you’ll see it works.”

Let’s simply imagine there are two different persons within us. One is a risk‑taking adventurer, while the other is a security fanatic. Both parts belong to us, and both have their raison d’être. Let us tacitly assume that both want only the best for us. What could that be? The security fanatic wants to protect us from harm. He believes it is best for us if we take no risks and do not expose ourselves to danger of being physically or psychologically injured. The adventurer, on the other hand, encourages us to try. He believes it is best for us if we dare certain things and at least try. One tries to avoid fear and pain. The other wants to gain pleasure and joy. Both are within us, and both make sense.

Thus, in many other areas of our lives there are many different parts. Sometimes we express this linguistically by saying we are “torn back and forth,” that we “want this on the one hand and something else on the other.” With people who often use the phrase “yes, but…” you can almost feel how one part of this person has already agreed with you while another part is resisting. Here again it is true that behind every part lies a positive intention. These parts work for you. They are team members in the boat you steer. None of them wants to prevent you from being happy. They just have different methods for it. If the parts manage to understand each other and you treat your parts with respect and appreciation, you have created optimal conditions for a peaceful conflict resolution. The first step in working with parts is therefore to uncover the positive intentions of the parts that cause you difficulties or that are in conflict with one another, thereby achieving reconciliation. Conflicts are especially to be expected if you fail to keep your personality parts in balance.

Negotiation Reframing

You can apply the negotiation reframing technique when two parts within you come into conflict.

Identify the conflict and find a situation in which you wanted to say yes on the one hand but no on the other, or choose a situation in which you had “yes‑but feelings.”
Separate the two parts by placing one part in your left hand and the other part in your right hand.
Characterize the two parts by becoming clear about the appearance, sound, feeling, age, or symbolic content of a part.
With each part separately, find out the positive intention. First ask each part individually whether it is willing to communicate with you. Pose the question in roughly this way: “Dear part XYZ, if we manage to find a way for you to fulfill your task even better, would you be willing to cooperate with me?” When you have a yes, ask for the positive intention underlying the behavior.
Now begin to let the two parts get in touch with each other. If this is difficult at first because they can’t stand each other, get creative and bring in an interpreter or let the conversation take place by phone. Clarify the wishes and needs of both parts and then develop a common goal. Question every intention until both parts give the same or a similar answer.
Now let the two parts exchange their resources mutually. This can happen by exchanging colors or symbols. Stage a reconciliation and let the two parts forgive each other.
Now integrate the two parts by slowly bringing your two hands together and then merging the parts by placing your hands together so that from the two former conflicting parties a new part emerges that integrates both. If such a fusion is not possible or intended, you can also ensure that the two parts agree on how they will work together in the future and after a trial period check whether the new behavior works.
Now check whether there are any other parts involved in the conflict, felt overlooked so far, and still have objections to the new solution. If so, you should definitely include these parts in the negotiation as well, ask for their positive intention, and run through the steps again.
If there are no more objections, then internally review how your behavior will be when you next come into a situation similar to the starting point.

What positive descriptions can you think of for the following generally negative traits?

Greed:
Worry:
Envy:
Frustration:
Fear:
Guilt:

Possible answers could be:

1. Greed: Ability to take care of satisfying one’s own needs. 2. Worry: Ability to deal very seriously with everything. 3. Envy: Focused observation of other people with the desire to achieve the same results. 4. Frustration: Insight that things can’t go on like this. 5. Fear: Mental anticipation and preparation for a difficult situation. 6. Guilt: Indication that one’s own standards have been violated and a prompt to uphold them next time.

Six‑Step Reframing

In six‑step reframing one assumes that there is a part responsible for the unwanted behavior. This part prevents you from doing what you want or makes you do something you don’t want.

Identify the part or behavior pattern you want to change.
Make contact with the part responsible for this behavior. Ask this part: “Dear part responsible for behavior X, are you willing to communicate with me?” If it is, it should send you a clearly perceptible signal. Thank the part for its willingness. If the part is unwilling to communicate with you consciously, thank it for sending you a “no” and ask it: “Under what condition would you be willing to communicate with me?” If the part does not want to communicate in words, agree on a yes/no signal, where an intensification of the signal means “yes” and a weakening means “no.” Thank the part for the communication and find a name or symbol for it.
Separate intention from behavior. Ask the part to tell you what good intention it pursues for you. Become aware of the advantages this behavior has brought you in the past and thank the part for communicating the positive intention.
Now find new behaviors that fulfill this intention without causing the unwanted side effects. Orient yourself inward and contact your creative part. Ask this part to come up with many new ways in which the positive intention can be achieved differently and to suggest them to part X as options. Let part X choose at least three alternatives that fulfill the positive intention just as well or better than the old behavior. Ask the part to send you a yes‑signal for each selected alternative.
Ask part X whether it is willing to take responsibility for trying out and testing the new behaviors. If part X is unwilling, go back to step 4. If part X is willing, continue with step 6.
Ask whether there is any other part that has objections to the agreements just made. If one or more such parts exist, thank them for their cooperation and communication. Return to step 2 and run through the following steps again with these parts.
Imagine yourself in the situation the next time you implement the newly made agreements.
Finally agree that any objections that may arise later can be dealt with independently at the unconscious level.