Resistance is a Signal – Successful Communication Starts With Us

Resistance in communication is not a contradiction, but feedback that our current approach is not working. According to NLP, it points to the need to be more flexible, empathetic and authentic. Active listening and an adapted manner of expression can help build better relationships and break down defensive attitudes. By replacing blame with self-reflection, we can promote more respectful conversations.

In this series, we look at the most well-known NLP presuppositions. Presuppositions are not truths. Rather, they are useful principles that offer valuable perspectives on life, other people and certain situations. The last issue dealt with the presupposition: ‘The map is not the territory.’ Perhaps you can already guess from the headline what assumption we will be looking at this time.

We have all experienced conversations coming to a standstill. A family member blocks every suggestion. A friend reacts irritably to well-intentioned advice. A colleague is uncooperative when it comes to new ideas. We often interpret such reactions as signs of stubbornness or even malice. But the NLP presupposition offers us a different perspective:

“Resistance on the part of the customer/client indicates a lack of flexibility on the part of the consultant.”

This perspective challenges us to take responsibility for successful communication ourselves. Instead of viewing the other person as problematic, we can ask ourselves how we can approach them in a more flexible and understanding way.

What is really behind the resistance?

Resistance often arises when people feel that their point of view is not being heard or respected. This can happen in any kind of relationship – whether personal, professional or among friends. Instead of seeing resistance as deliberate obstruction, we can understand it as a sign that we should do something differently. Resistance is often a sign that there is insufficient rapport. Rapport refers to a genuine connection between people, characterised by mutual understanding and trust. If this rapport is lacking, it creates a feeling of not being taken seriously or being ignored – and resistance is the natural consequence.

Flexibility instead of frustration

Self-reflection instead of blame: Instead of thinking, ‘Why is this person so stubborn?’, we can ask ourselves: ‘How can I change my approach so that I am heard better?’

An example from everyday life: You suggest to your partner that they eat healthier, and they react defensively. Instead of assuming that they are simply being unreasonable, you could consider whether your message may have been perceived as criticism. It might help to rephrase the topic: ‘I want us both to feel good. What do you think about trying out some new recipes together?’

Actively create Rapport

Rapport is created when people meet on equal terms. This can be achieved through active listening, mirroring body language or using similar speech patterns. If a colleague constantly rejects your suggestions, it could be because they feel overlooked. Instead of insisting on your ideas, you could ask, ‘How do you see it? What is important to you about this issue?’ By showing them that their opinion matters, you establish rapport – and make them more likely to be open to your suggestions.

Understanding resistance as feedback

Resistance does not mean that the other person rejects you. It is valuable feedback that the current communication is not yet optimal. Does a friend react irritably when you give them advice? Perhaps they need more understanding than solutions right now. Instead of giving tips directly, you could say, ‘That sounds really difficult. How do you feel about it?’ This simple change in approach can reduce resistance and lead to an open exchange.

Flexibility in communication

Not everyone responds positively to the same type of communication. Some prefer direct and clear statements, while others need more empathy and patience. If your children do not respond to requests, try different approaches: Instead of saying, ‘Tidy your room!’, you could ask, ‘What can we do to make your room more comfortable?’ Instead of ‘You never listen,’ you could say, ‘I feel like I'm not being heard when...’ By trying out different communication styles, we show flexibility – and increase the chance that the other person will feel understood.

Taking responsibility for successful communication

The assumption that resistance means a lack of flexibility on our part opens up a new way of looking at difficult conversations. Instead of getting annoyed about other people's behaviour, we can take on the role of active shapers.

Resistance is not a sign of malice or disinterest. It is an indication that the connection between us and our counterpart is not yet strong enough or that a different approach is needed. By listening more consciously, adapting more flexibly and actively building rapport, we can often transform resistance into open, constructive conversations. In this way, we create connections based on mutual respect and genuine understanding – both in everyday life and in the most important relationships in our lives.