5 – Modeling Your Way to Success

“If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people to gather wood, prepare tools, assign tasks and divide the work; rather, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.”

Antoine de Saint‑Exupéry

Six years ago, while studying the psychology of success, I discovered a remarkable science: Neuro‑Linguistic Programming (NLP). Although the name initially intimidated me, the methods and techniques of this discipline were so powerful that they enabled me to move from the breakdown lane of life onto the fast track to success in record time. Since then I have completed many trainings in NLP and shared these methods with others so they too can apply them in their lives. Before I introduce you to some foundational principles of NLP, I’d like to give you a brief history of how it emerged.

Beginnings of NLP

The story of NLP begins in the 1970s when two American scholars, Richard Bandler and John Grinder, crossed paths. At that time, John Grinder was a professor of linguistics at the University of California, Santa Cruz, and Richard Bandler was a mathematician, gestalt therapist, and computer specialist.

Both were driven by an insatiable desire to learn and evolve. At the first World Council of Psychotherapy congress in Vienna in 1996, Grinder later called himself and Bandler “pretty crazy”—and indeed they were! They were willing to achieve feats of the mind no one had ever attempted. They set out to discover how experts in various fields produced extraordinary results while others failed. They weren’t interested in why these experts succeeded, but how they did so. They took these successful individuals as models, seeking to uncover the patterns they used to reach their goals. From these observations they developed techniques to identify and transfer those patterns to others. Grinder and Bandler doggedly pursued the very best performers. They quit their jobs and devoted themselves fully to this endeavor. They realized this form of modeling was far more efficient than trial‑and‑error learning. Even though children unconsciously model to learn to walk and talk, most of us stop modeling professionally as adults. In an era where corporate benchmarking—studying what competitors do best to adopt their strategies—has become a business buzzword, NLP emerged to model the unconscious strategies of achievers who don’t even know how they succeed.

Grinder saw this as his chance to satisfy his craving for new challenges: as soon as he mastered one domain, he moved on to the next. Together, Bandler and Grinder modeled financial experts, therapists, educators, politicians, sharpshooters, scientists, and many other specialists.

The Power of Modeling

I emphasize this modeling process because I want to encourage you not just to learn isolated NLP techniques, but to master a method that you can apply across every area of your life. Whenever you encounter someone who excels at something you value, become a modeler and acquire that skill yourself. The world holds excellent models for almost any ability or achievement. Use them to internalize proven knowledge and strategies in record time—and then innovate further. Don’t waste time reinventing the wheel; create something new that advances humanity. You can even model yourself with NLP, learning how to put yourself into resourceful states and recall them at will.

Bandler and Grinder became famous for modeling four fascinating figures: Dr. Milton Erickson, perhaps the world’s greatest hypnotherapist; Virginia Satir, an extraordinary family therapist; Fritz Perls, the father of Gestalt therapy; and Gregory Bateson, an immensely intellectual philosopher and anthropologist.

Milton Erickson: Master of Hypnosis

Dr. Erickson achieved astounding hypnotic successes with patients whom other therapists could not help. Afflicted by polio, he was confined to a wheelchair and spoke unclearly. At seventeen, after his first bout with polio, he overheard a doctor tell his parents he wouldn’t live through the night—but by employing his already advanced hypnotic abilities, he overcame the crisis. Later he rapidly freed patients from deep anxieties and phobias. Yet he could not articulate exactly how he achieved these results. So Bandler and Grinder observed his patterns, strategies, and underlying beliefs—discovering key mechanisms I will soon share with you. They did not aim to found a new school of therapy or elaborate a theory, but to identify the actual communication patterns masters used in practice!

They found similar patterns at work with Satir, Perls, and Bateson, and began teaching these techniques to students in open seminars and books—spreading NLP practitioners around the globe. Thanks to its many practical successes, NLP has recently become the subject of growing academic research.

Once Bandler and Grinder had codified these modeling techniques—patterns of behavior and conviction—they needed a name. The linguist Grinder and the mathematician‑programmer Bandler coined the term Neuro‑Linguistic Programming.

Breaking Down the Term

Neuro refers to cognitive and nervous‑system functions—how our thoughts, actions, and emotions are governed.

Linguistic indicates how we use language to create and communicate internal representations.

Programming denotes the ability to intervene in our thoughts, behaviors, and feelings to achieve desired outcomes.

Because many mistake NLP for a computer language, Grinder even held an international contest to suggest a more approachable name—everyone was invited to send their ideas to him!

Remember: NLP Is Only a Model

Now I’ll introduce some basic NLP techniques developed by Bandler, Grinder, and their successors. Keep in mind it’s just a model—a tool meant to be useful, not an absolute truth. Try out these methods: pretend they work, and watch how your life changes! Though they’ve helped countless people, verify their effectiveness for yourself.

Rapport – Dancing on the Same Wavelength

Shared experiences and goals bond people—and even entire nations unite against a common external threat. Rapport is the ability to connect with another on the same wavelength, to understand and sympathize deeply.

“Rapport means speaking to people at their level, using their language to persuade them of ideas they wouldn’t have comprehended otherwise.”

Jerry Richardson

Rapport in Conversation

We all know that instant spark when you feel drawn to someone—as if you’ve known them for years, finishing each other’s thoughts. Often it’s sparked by a shared interest or perspective. Once you discover common ground, conversation flows freely: you both become more animated, engaged, and fascinated, losing track of time. That’s rapport!

Nonverbal Mirroring

An observer will notice that once in rapport, you begin to mirror each other’s posture, gestures, and expressions unconsciously. This spontaneous mirroring is a hallmark of human interaction. While most people unconsciously mirror whole-body movements, experienced communicators can selectively match specific aspects—tone of voice, speech rate, favorite expressions, breathing patterns—to build connection powerfully. Milton Erickson famously used mirroring to establish rapid, deep rapport with clients. In NLP we call this pacing. Subtly matching someone’s nonverbal cues tells them, “I understand you.”

In conversation, combine both verbal and nonverbal mirroring to address conscious (words) and unconscious (body language) levels. You can also mirror by choosing similar clothes, hobbies, social circles, or viewpoints.

“Rapport is the ability to enter another’s world and build a bridge to them.”

What to Mirror

To build rapport, observe and mirror—

Body language: posture, gestures, facial expressions, head tilt, breathing depth and rhythm, muscle tension
Voice: volume, pitch, pace, intonation, vocabulary

Avoid mirroring negative tics or habits (e.g., scratching). Instead, match positive, resourceful cues. This builds trust, letting you later guide—lead—the other toward new states.

Leading

Once you’ve paced someone into rapport, you can begin to lead by gently shifting your own posture or tone and seeing if they follow. If they don’t, return to pacing briefly before trying again. Rapport is dynamic: sometimes you lead, sometimes they do. When you lead, you can guide someone from, say, a closed posture to a more open, confident stance—instantly shifting their feelings.

Your communication’s success is measured by the response you elicit.

Pacing & Leading with Clients

Imagine a customer storms into your showroom, shouting complaints. You might remain calm—but to truly connect, mirror their volume and intensity (not against them, but with them) to show you take their concerns seriously. Then, once they feel heard, you can lead them back to a calmer, solution‑focused conversation—where your arguments will resonate far better.

Practice pacing and leading everywhere you meet people—job interviews, sales meetings, even everyday conversations—and you’ll reap the rewards!

Exercises in Pacing & Leading

At a dance, subtly mirror a partner’s full‑body movements, then gradually lead them into new steps—creating a smooth, collaborative flow.
In conversation, mirror someone’s breathing, posture, and gestures; then introduce small changes in each to lead them into a new state.
Occasionally and playfully break rapport to notice each other’s reactions, then re‑establish pacing.
On the phone, match the caller’s volume, pace, and rhythm to build instant connection.

VAKOG – Your Gateway to Experience

As we saw in chapter 2, we perceive the world through five sensory channels: Visual (seeing), Auditory (hearing), Kinesthetic (feeling), Olfactory (smelling), and Gustatory (tasting). These channels form the filters and gateways for all our experiences—the “structure” NLP seeks to understand and leverage.

How Do You Remember?

Recall your last vacation: did you see images of the beach or hotel? Hear the waves? Feel your partner’s embrace? Taste a delicious dish? Hear your favorite summer hit? Notice how you remember. Your senses that interact with the external world also serve as the keys to your internal “database,” retrieving memories. Smells, for instance, directly trigger emotions via the limbic system. A single whiff of a perfume can transport you back to a moment long past.

Your Preferred Sensory Mode

Although we can access all five channels, most people favor one. Europeans often form vivid internal images (“visual” types), others think in inner dialogue (“auditory” types), and some ground experience primarily through feelings (“kinesthetic” types). Smelling and tasting rarely dominate. Let’s explore these three main types—perhaps you recognize yourself in one.

Visual Type

Visual types think in pictures and speak quickly to describe their inner images. Their breathing is relatively shallow and fast; their eyes tend to move upward as they scan internal scenes. They value aesthetic details—color, design, form—and notice fine visual cues in others: facial expression, attire, surroundings.

Auditory Type

Auditory types think in words and inner dialogue. They speak at a moderate pace and focus on tone and rhythm. They have a keen ear for subtle vocal cues and store detailed factual information—data, dates, figures—easier than images. During reflection, they pause and inwardly “listen” to find answers.

Kinesthetic Type

Kinesthetic types ground themselves in feelings—emotional and physical. They speak more slowly with a deeper voice, breathe from the diaphragm, and often maintain lower eye contact, seeking to tap into internal sensations. They learn by doing, exploring how things feel. In conversation they use emphatic gestures and strong touch, valuing experiential understanding.

How to Spot Someone’s Mode

Notice their speech: “I see…,” “That sounds…,” or “I feel….” Observe eye movements (see the diagram below) to gauge whether they recall visual, auditory, or kinesthetic content:

Visual Remembered: eyes up‑left
Visual Constructed: eyes up‑right
Auditory Remembered: eyes center‑left
Auditory Constructed: eyes center‑right
Internal Dialogue: eyes level‑center
Kinesthetic: eyes down‑left

Note this pattern works reliably with many right‑handers, though some individuals reverse it. Always combine eye cues with other signals (tone, posture) to confirm their dominant mode.

Exercises for Sensory Modalities

Choose three people you know. Observe their preferred sensory channel by asking open questions and noting their language and eye movements.
Intentionally shift your own sensory mode in conversations to change the emotional atmosphere.
Mirror someone’s dominant mode, then lead them into a different one—e.g., match their breathing, then guide them into deeper, slower breaths.

Interrupting Patterns: The Break State

During these exercises you may trigger intense memories or emotions. To exit an unwanted state, use a break state: shift your focus with an unexpected question (“How many eggs did you eat for lunch yesterday?”), perform a physical movement, or change your posture dramatically. This interrupts the mental loop and opens space for a new, resourceful state. You can also help others by changing the topic or posture in a stalled discussion—creating mental “white space” for fresh perspectives.