Rapport, Pacing, and Leading

The prerequisite for any good communication is trust. Most people have few good strategies to create sympathy with others. NLP teaches a range of very effective methods to bring oneself closer to others and build a bridge.

What is Rapport? Simply Explained

Duration: 3:14 minutes

Rapport Definition

Rapport means addressing people at their level and using their language to convince them of ideas they wouldn't have understood if presented in a different form. Rapport is the ability to enter someone else's world and build a bridge to them. It is the art of gaining the support and cooperation of others to achieve a common goal. Rapport is a relationship characterized by agreement, a shared direction, or similarity. When rapport is present, resistance disappears. Rapport means building a deep connection with the unconscious of the other, getting on the same wavelength with them. Rapport is created through conscious or unconscious alignment with each other.

Applying Rapport

Duration: 3:58 minutes

Building Rapport: Pacing and Leading

Numerous observations have shown that people who like each other and have a deep connection tend to adjust their expressive behavior to each other. This principle can also be reversed: By adjusting your expressive behavior to the other person, rapport can be established with them.

Mirroring refers to physically adjusting to posture, gestures, breathing, facial expressions, movements, weight shifts, muscle tone, etc. Here, you adapt like a mirror to everything you can see.

Mirroring refers to physically adjusting to posture, gestures, breathing, facial expressions, movements, weight shifts, muscle tone, etc. Here, you adapt like a mirror to everything you can see.
Pacing means adjusting to the other person’s visual and auditory expressive behavior. You meet the other person where they are. For example, I like to pace the speaking tempo, rhythm, and pitch of the other person. This category also includes everything that is part of mirroring.
Matching is an even broader level and refers to adjusting to the style of language (e.g., representation systems) and patterns (e.g., meta-programs).
Leading After matching and establishing rapport with the other person for a while, you can begin to lead them (Leading) and thus change the direction of the communication. Leading means guiding someone towards a specific goal or result based on rapport and in the sense of the Win-Win principle.

In the Win-Win Principle, a conflict resolution or negotiation outcome is based on both parties benefiting and being able to consider themselves winners. Unlike other strategies that aim to maximize benefit for only one party, this principle also takes the interests of the other party into account. The Win-Win principle is associated with positive thinking and honest compromises. The focus is on achieving a good result for both sides. Sometimes, it requires creativity to find such a solution.

I would also like to suggest extending the Win-Win Principle to the Win-Win-Win Principle. Here, not only the two involved parties win, but also the larger system, such as society or humanity.

Crossover Mirroring

Crossover mirroring is a special form of pacing/mirroring: The other person is mirrored either in a different representational system or with a different type of movement. For example: If your conversation partner is walking back and forth, you can move your fingers in rhythm with their movement or sway your upper body back and forth. Here’s a distinction tip: Crossover mirroring does not mean you mirror your conversation partner’s right arm movement with your left leg. That could be an example, but it’s a very unusual one. Overall, crossover mirroring is a very effective method for establishing rapport.

Duration: 3:26 minutes

Practical Exercises for Good Rapport

Exercise: Pacing and Leading (Matching and Leading)

In pairs: A and B, about 5-10 minutes

1. A makes movements with their entire body, and B matches them.

2. After a while, B gently transitions to leading. A matches.

3. Further gentle shifts in pacing and leading, creating a "dance".

These body movements can be replaced with any of the following rapport-building behaviors:

Breathing rhythm
Posture, smaller body movements (gestures)
Minimal movements (e.g., frowning, foot tapping, etc.)
Volume of voice, speaking speed
Speech patterns and key words
Blinking

After some practice, you can move on to pacing and leading two or more of these behaviors. A and B can also pace and lead different behaviors.

Also practice the so-called "Crossover Mirroring", for example: mirror the breathing with leg movements, the blinking with a finger movement, crossed arms with crossed legs, speaking rhythm with head movements, etc.

Exercise: Matching and Mismatching

In groups of three: A, B, and C, about 10 minutes, then switch roles

A shares something from real life (e.g., vacation experience, work, art, culture, etc.).
B listens and paces (mirrors) A in at least three behaviors (e.g., posture, breathing rhythm, and speaking speed (possibly crossover mirroring)).
After a few minutes, B breaks the rapport by making changes to the behaviors that have been mirrored.
After a few more minutes, B returns to pacing.
C notes the changes that occur during the switches.
A and B discuss the changes in their inner experience due to the switches.
C reports their observations (sensory-specific: what did you see and hear!).

After some practice, you can move on to pacing and leading two or more of these behaviors. A and B can also pace and lead different behaviors.

Exercise: Pacing Statements

Recall a situation that is typical for you and in which you communicate with other people.

A. Sensory Perception

List three things you can perceive in the given situation. What do you see, hear, and/or feel?

Incorporate these perceptions into a conversation.

B. General Statements

List three general statements or facts that apply in this given situation.

Incorporate these into a conversation.